END OF APOCOPLYTIC BATTLE REPORT (EOABR)
EMPLOYEE ID: 55628201
NAME: Fenrir, the Unbound
REPORT: The arena was set across the frozen wastes in front of Asgard but it was too early for the minions to spawn and run towards the enemy in single file so I waved to my opponents and processed to jump around feverishly to celebrate that we were about to partake in a great battle. The great god of horn-blowing, Steve, blew his fabled horn to signify the start of godly combat.
Both armies boasted five gods from oddly various pantheons. Hades, Greek god of the underworld, was fighting alongside Anubis, Egyptian god of the Afterlife. I can only assume that they worked out a deal that Anubis sorts out the dead people and then sends their souls to Hades for a double check on his work. The enemy also has Roman Cupid, Greek Zeus, and Egyptian Ra (I’m trying my best to ignore what details must go into Zeus allowing Ra to move the sun across the sky every day). Our armies included, of course, myself, but oddly enough it also included Thor, whom I’m supposed to eat one day, and Tyr, whom I’ve already partially eaten. We also had Mayan goddess of the moon, Awilix, and Greek goddess of beauty, Aphrodite, around who were much underdressed for both battle and the weather.
Both sides paced alongside our minions as they did battle with the enemy’s minions. I must commend the courage of both our and their minions, to focus entirely on each other despite giant gods towering over them and occasionally getting in the final blow to claim the glory of a kill as well as the ability to pick the pockets of their corpses for a few extra coins of gold. Finally, I saw a chance to strike; Ra was standing slightly further away from his allies. I leapt in and began slashing the sun god with my claws. He, in turn, walked briskly away from me. His allies noticed our fierce battle and I retreated the victor on merit that I inflicted more damage to Ra than he to me. A glorious win of net value worthy of song!
Soon I had witnessed enough minion-related death to gain the ability to grow four-times my normal size and engulf gods on my jaws. Ohhhh, if only I could do that when Tyr was trying that ribbon trick! I attempted to use my new-found ability immediately but was foiled as Cupid zigzagged to avoid my attacks. I quickly returned to my normal size and was unable to expand once more until I recharged my energy for precisely 55 seconds.
Zeus had fallen to Awilix, who by rights of combat was the new god of the sky. Seemed fitting seeing as she was already goddess of the moon, but Zeus soon resurrected inexplicably and retained his title in doing so. Much blood was spilled by immortals and their worshipers alike, even I died and came back from wherever it was I was sent to. Despite having both gods of underworld and afterlife, the enemy team of Hades and Anubis seemed incapable of keeping anyone dead for very long. Even the minions seemed to live on forever. Either that or they have several identical twin brothers. And only brothers, apparently all women are atheists as not a single one joined us in battle despite female goddesses brandishing spears and jaguars and ridiculous amounts of cleavage.
An opportunity arose to push further into the enemy territory, which was oddly dotted with giant, fire-breathing towers. The minions charged in valiantly but were all shot down by fireballs. We gods charged in too, Thor being repeated pelted by fireballs as well but he didn’t seem to mind. I mean, why would he if we get a tower kill out of it and he’s just going to respawn anyway. I think I may need to rethink my tactics at Ragnorok if this trend of not-actually-dying continues.
Our team plunged deeper into enemy territory and soon victory was achieved. Cupid had gone missing and the enemy surrendered. Cupid’s body remained, but his brain had apparently vanished. Presumably, it had to use the washroom. A great victory was won on this day! The fate of the world had been decided for about as much time as was needed to find a new battle to join!